Blank

I know I am not able to post for a very long time now. I simply forgot to. Why? I don’t know. But I do know that I have not healed. I am trying to heal from within and I despise the meds of course. Aren’t they supposed to make you feel better? Then why aren’t they doing there job? Why Am I feeling so ______? Blank?!

I have no recollection of this time that had gone by. I am trying a lot to find answers. Sometimes they seem within your reach. But most of the time, they are so unattainable. So out of your grasp. Everything is getting messier. It feels like I am losing control over myself, losing my grip. This is a bad feeling. believe me, not feeling in control is a thing I despise.

The most simple thing to do would be to start fighting this feeling of not being in control. I have to get a grasp on my feelings, a tight grip on myself. But it seems difficult, very difficult. Imagine wading through a swamp in complete darkness and that too when your eyesight is so weak that it is difficult to see properly in proper daylight itself.

It is so difficult to pass this time, being shut out from the world. I have been that way for so many years now but at least I had the chance and the privilege to go out whenever I felt overwhelmed. But these testing times have put a stop on that too. Feeling numb is not the best of feelings to have. Everybody should feel, which I think should be the most important human right criteria(pun intended).

Start feeling more in control of yourself is what I suggest to all out there who are feeling the same(How I don't know if you get the answer, let me know as well.)

" Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it." - Rabindranath Tagore

Calling

How to reach out to people, how to connect when they know you but doesn’t understand you. How you make them understand how you are feeling at that moment. They all will give advices, but at that moment you don’t need advice you need their warmth. And that one person whose warmth you seek desperately but he leaves you alone in that cold dark place where he has himself lead you.

How do you pick up the phone and call people. Despite such a huge call list you have no friend nobody to talk to, not a soul to reach out. You are all alone, you are very scared and afraid. You don’t know what to do. How to remove that poisonous dart embedded into your mind and heart and soul.

I know I am drowning, I desperately need to call somebody to talk to them. Cry my heart out in front of them. Let their warm words console me. I don’t want anybody to get me, just hear me out. Just be with me. Just hold my hand. Just change the color from black. 

Today I had the courage to call my cousin atleast text him. You know what, he is a doctor and I am so proud of him, serving people in this tough time. But today I resent his job. Today I want him to be with me, there for me.

To have him back because I feel to have lost him. This is also one of the reason of the onset of my depression, as I have slowly started to understand. I want to be ok. I want to fight when I know nobody is there for me. Nobody would understand why I am crying. Hell, even I don’t know why the hell am I crying.

I need to call people to let them in. Give them candle and ask them to lit it, even they don’t understand why they are doing it. I need people to come and make them be there for me. 

Call people, reach out, have them come, share with them.

“ You can’t stand in your corner of the forest, waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”                         - Winnie the Pooh

My Life situation in this pandemic

COVID-19 or Coronavirus, how scared we feel when we hear these. Life has come to a stand still all over the world. Everyone is in lock-down. 

Yes everyone is in lockdown, in everyway. Imagine being confined into such an lockdown for ever. Yes I know, this is how our lives are. Being confined inside our head, no escaping it, nobody to understand how it is. When people ask why can't you get out, you have no answer. People will not understand because its not COVID-19.

This situation is not much different for me. I am not an out doorsy type of a person. Yes last year have been a little better for me. I had got a job, where i could go out and share my other problems with people (marital ones). Women could really relate with that.

But they could not understand why I behaved the way I did. Well I think now they do.

So, my life is same as it was. Trapped. No way out. Well I am not facing much problems as I like being indoors. Have many things to occupy my time.
Yes, mostly I am addicted to my mobile, but in my defence, I don't spend much time on games or social media either. I am trying to upgrade myself.

Looking out for work and career opportunities while stuck inside. I have started exercising and walking. I have gone back to my love of music (listening ofcourse). Today I am joining an online dance class, my other love. But, I can't seem to start reading again. Don't know why. It was the love of my life, books.

I have to find a way to go back to my books.

so my message to everyone out there like me. Don't loose hope. This situation is nothing new for us. We are always in a state of lockdown in our minds. Just pass the time and find a way to upgrade ourselves and go back to our loves (reading, listening to music, dance, anything).

 "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."    -Mandy Hale.

Crying

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hearts."        
                                                                                -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations


Maybe right, maybe just a poetic expression. But I have always felt crying out loud as soothing, giving an outlet to all the emotions that is pent up inside. Just throwing it all out, cursing, verbally abusing sometimes as well. Well more often cursing myself, which, mind you, is very unhealthy.

For me, I keep everything bottled up inside, never sharing, not talking to anyone what I was feeling. But, in my defence, I had nobody to share with. An unsympathetic husband, a father I was never close to, mother, who always blames me saying you are like this since childhood, a problematic child now a problematic person. 

So, when I had enough, I just let it all out through my eyes. I shout, band my hands, beat my chest. But the sinking feeling, the frightening storm inside my head, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the injustice of it all, the constricting nauseating feelings. I had to let it out.

Thus, I cried. Feeling the tension ebbing out of me. Feeling drained out. Regaining some sense, my bearing, feeling solid ground again beneath my feet. The willingness to get up again and go on about. 

So, crying is good. I know nobody will get why are you crying ( but again when had anyone understood), but still cry. Cry whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, uneasy, lonely, feelings like the world is out to get you or nobody gets you. Just cry and feel the temporary relief.

As Shakespeare famously said in ‘King Henry, the Sixth’, “ To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”

The Beginning

For a long time now i have been thinking to start writing a blog. But could never bring myself to actually start writing. Why if you ask me, well, even i don't know the answer. Is it because i have chronic depression, postpartum depression, or once i heard one psychiatrist say, bipolar.

I don't know, as of now i have no answer. Now, you will ask me why aren't you taking help. To answer your question, yes i am now. But picking up my phone to call a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist (whatever you please), was a battle into itself .

How I am dealing with all these things, I am not sure, because as of now, I am at my weakest stage. The helplessness, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the emptiness. I am feeling it all.

Don't know how many of you out there are dealing with all of it all alone. Feeling so vulnerable. 

So, here i am writing a blog, sharing my experience, my journey through mental well-being, writing about the stigma surrounding mental health in our country. My battle with depression and going through my treatment for being a bipolar, over emotional, over sensitive person.

The effects it will have on my child, the attitude of my husband (which has almost lead to the breakup of my marriage), non-understanding parents, in-laws, relatives, society, Lack of friends. All these contributing to a new low, taking me more down-under.

Hope to be your friend, hope you to be my friend, through it all.