Crying

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hearts."        
                                                                                -Charles Dickens, Great Expectations


Maybe right, maybe just a poetic expression. But I have always felt crying out loud as soothing, giving an outlet to all the emotions that is pent up inside. Just throwing it all out, cursing, verbally abusing sometimes as well. Well more often cursing myself, which, mind you, is very unhealthy.

For me, I keep everything bottled up inside, never sharing, not talking to anyone what I was feeling. But, in my defence, I had nobody to share with. An unsympathetic husband, a father I was never close to, mother, who always blames me saying you are like this since childhood, a problematic child now a problematic person. 

So, when I had enough, I just let it all out through my eyes. I shout, band my hands, beat my chest. But the sinking feeling, the frightening storm inside my head, the hopelessness, the loneliness, the injustice of it all, the constricting nauseating feelings. I had to let it out.

Thus, I cried. Feeling the tension ebbing out of me. Feeling drained out. Regaining some sense, my bearing, feeling solid ground again beneath my feet. The willingness to get up again and go on about. 

So, crying is good. I know nobody will get why are you crying ( but again when had anyone understood), but still cry. Cry whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, uneasy, lonely, feelings like the world is out to get you or nobody gets you. Just cry and feel the temporary relief.

As Shakespeare famously said in ‘King Henry, the Sixth’, “ To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”

The Beginning

For a long time now i have been thinking to start writing a blog. But could never bring myself to actually start writing. Why if you ask me, well, even i don't know the answer. Is it because i have chronic depression, postpartum depression, or once i heard one psychiatrist say, bipolar.

I don't know, as of now i have no answer. Now, you will ask me why aren't you taking help. To answer your question, yes i am now. But picking up my phone to call a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist (whatever you please), was a battle into itself .

How I am dealing with all these things, I am not sure, because as of now, I am at my weakest stage. The helplessness, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the emptiness. I am feeling it all.

Don't know how many of you out there are dealing with all of it all alone. Feeling so vulnerable. 

So, here i am writing a blog, sharing my experience, my journey through mental well-being, writing about the stigma surrounding mental health in our country. My battle with depression and going through my treatment for being a bipolar, over emotional, over sensitive person.

The effects it will have on my child, the attitude of my husband (which has almost lead to the breakup of my marriage), non-understanding parents, in-laws, relatives, society, Lack of friends. All these contributing to a new low, taking me more down-under.

Hope to be your friend, hope you to be my friend, through it all.