Calling

How to reach out to people, how to connect when they know you but doesn’t understand you. How you make them understand how you are feeling at that moment. They all will give advices, but at that moment you don’t need advice you need their warmth. And that one person whose warmth you seek desperately but he leaves you alone in that cold dark place where he has himself lead you.

How do you pick up the phone and call people. Despite such a huge call list you have no friend nobody to talk to, not a soul to reach out. You are all alone, you are very scared and afraid. You don’t know what to do. How to remove that poisonous dart embedded into your mind and heart and soul.

I know I am drowning, I desperately need to call somebody to talk to them. Cry my heart out in front of them. Let their warm words console me. I don’t want anybody to get me, just hear me out. Just be with me. Just hold my hand. Just change the color from black. 

Today I had the courage to call my cousin atleast text him. You know what, he is a doctor and I am so proud of him, serving people in this tough time. But today I resent his job. Today I want him to be with me, there for me.

To have him back because I feel to have lost him. This is also one of the reason of the onset of my depression, as I have slowly started to understand. I want to be ok. I want to fight when I know nobody is there for me. Nobody would understand why I am crying. Hell, even I don’t know why the hell am I crying.

I need to call people to let them in. Give them candle and ask them to lit it, even they don’t understand why they are doing it. I need people to come and make them be there for me. 

Call people, reach out, have them come, share with them.

“ You can’t stand in your corner of the forest, waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”                         - Winnie the Pooh

My Life situation in this pandemic

COVID-19 or Coronavirus, how scared we feel when we hear these. Life has come to a stand still all over the world. Everyone is in lock-down. 

Yes everyone is in lockdown, in everyway. Imagine being confined into such an lockdown for ever. Yes I know, this is how our lives are. Being confined inside our head, no escaping it, nobody to understand how it is. When people ask why can't you get out, you have no answer. People will not understand because its not COVID-19.

This situation is not much different for me. I am not an out doorsy type of a person. Yes last year have been a little better for me. I had got a job, where i could go out and share my other problems with people (marital ones). Women could really relate with that.

But they could not understand why I behaved the way I did. Well I think now they do.

So, my life is same as it was. Trapped. No way out. Well I am not facing much problems as I like being indoors. Have many things to occupy my time.
Yes, mostly I am addicted to my mobile, but in my defence, I don't spend much time on games or social media either. I am trying to upgrade myself.

Looking out for work and career opportunities while stuck inside. I have started exercising and walking. I have gone back to my love of music (listening ofcourse). Today I am joining an online dance class, my other love. But, I can't seem to start reading again. Don't know why. It was the love of my life, books.

I have to find a way to go back to my books.

so my message to everyone out there like me. Don't loose hope. This situation is nothing new for us. We are always in a state of lockdown in our minds. Just pass the time and find a way to upgrade ourselves and go back to our loves (reading, listening to music, dance, anything).

 "Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."    -Mandy Hale.